A Tribute to Mommie Dearest

Oh my God!!! I freakin' love this movie. I used to watch it when I was little and I know all the words. I know it deals with serious topics like child abuse but it is the most entertaining movie of all times. I never get sick of it. My boyfriend claims to hate it but whenever I have it on he's right there with me. He also knows all the words. At random times of the day I will hear him yelling "Hauling me over to Mayer's table like some picked-up floozie! Or one of those starlets. Out to give the big shots a nice night in town. Is that what you think of me? I may as well have "property of MGM" tattooed on my back side! Dammit, Perrino's is MY PLACE". Then I will say "How many drinks is that? When you were a kid that made you look sexy. Now it just makes you look drunk". Sometimes when his kids wake us up at 6am on Saturday morning I steal their babies. Then when they say "My babies! Someone stole both my babies!" I say "That's good, darling. They were thoughtless, selfish, spoiled children. Now they won't wake you up when you need your rest." Just a regular day in our house.

Then there is the legendary scene with the wire hangers. Ask anyone, I also HATE wire hangers. I totally understand where she is coming from. She is a true pioneer for the anti-wire hanger movement. Her passion knows no bounds. I'm not quite sure why Christina got so upset. Kids can be so ungrateful sometimes. The bathroom looked okay but the Christina was a notorious fibber. Always testing Joan. I don't know how she dealt with the brat. I also can't stand dirty bathrooms so I can totally sympathize with Joan during this scene. I mean hygiene is very important. Joan Crawford: Look at this floor. Do you call that clean? Do you? Christina Crawford: Miss Jenkins said it was clean. Joan Crawford: Miss Jenkins said it was clean? Do YOU think it's clean? Do YOU think it's clean? Look at that, DO you? Christina Crawford: Yes, I do. Whatever. What does the hell does Miss Jenkins know anyway. I think Miss Crawford is a stellar role model for single mothers everywhere. She was just teaching her kids the facts of life. No wire hangers EVER and no dirty bathrooms. SCRUB, Christina. SCRUB. Bravo, Joan! Bravo! That's why I say:

My favorite scene of the movie is when the the scoundrels at Pepsi try and screw Joan over after the death of her beloved husband. They really were a HELL OF A MATCH! Bastards messing with a poor widow. She really laid down the law. I wish I had such amazing negotiation skills. She told them "You drove Al Steele to his grave, and now you're trying to stab me in the back? Forget it. I fought worse monsters than you for years in Hollywood. I know how to win the hard way!" All they could say was "Apparently the Board has failed to realize the extent of your interest in the company, apart from Al's position. We... misjudged. We shall be... pleased... to have you stay on." Being the classy and professional lady that she is Joan responded "Thank you, gentlemen. Now let's get to work..." She was DAMN MAD! They must have been terrified. Well that's what ya get when you mess with Hollywood Royalty. This photo says it all:

Anyway...I really love the over the top craziness of this movie. If you haven't seen it you will really love it. Life changing. Watch it with the kids. Definitely a family favorite. I wanted to clarify a few things about Miss Crawford. I know people think that she was a raging alcoholic but she really wasn't. Booze doesn't count if it is poured out of an elegant crystal decanter. Ask any functioning drunk. It's a common known fact. So please enjoy this dramatic tale of a hard working single mother with a difficult adopted daughter. Before I go I want to let you know I would rather be here with you than anywhere else in the world. You, all of you here and everywhere, gave me this award tonight. And I accept it from you and only you. I love all of you. Now please forgive me, good night. Now bring me the Ax!